In Memory of Kathy Hull

Kathy Hull
1978-2003

My post for Kathy is the last post in memory of the angels who traveled with me on my Overnight Journey.  Kathy’s parents Dave and Jean were the first of the many wonderful people that I have met over the past four years through the Bridge Rail Foundation.  

Dave is the President and founder of the Bridge Rail Foundation.  It has moved me over the past four years to see a father’s love for his daughter demonstrated in his tireless efforts to see that no other father or mother have to experience the loss that he and Jean have to the Golden Gate Bridge. The pain that I’ve seen in their eyes when they talk about her breaks my heart every time. Yet through that pain, their love for Kathy keeps them committed to making the net real on the on the bridge.

I made Kathy’s angel bracelet with aqua colored beads because I thought of her eyes.  When I showed her mother Jean her bracelet she had tears in her eyes. She told me that the beads were Kathy’s favorite color and the rosettes were perfect, as Kathy was an avid gardener.  She also told me after I added the hummingbird charm, that Kathy loved hummingbirds. I imagined that the hummingbirds loved her for growing the beautiful flowers in her garden for them to drink their sweet nectar.

I thought that writing this post would be easier than it has been because I feel so connected to Kathy’s parents, so I imagined that the words would flow from my finger tips. Instead they have stumbled on the keyboard.  Perhaps I’ll revisit and post more when I write my conclusion of my Overnight Journey blog.

I came across the following poem and thought of Kathy's parents.

Just for Today

by Vicki Tushingham

   Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours
and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it,

just one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just her death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or

comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,
for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child,
for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.

Just for today I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child
because I know that would make my own child proud.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent
for I do know how they feel.

Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,
I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving
and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much

Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be who I am and have had my child for as long as I did.

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy,
for I know that I am not deserting her by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on,

and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

In Memory of Matthew "Mattie" Whitmer

Matthew "Mattie" Whitmer
May 28, 1987 ~ Nov. 15, 2007

When I first became involved with the Bridge Rail Foundation one of the first persons I connected with was Mattie’s mom Dayna.  From the moment that I met Dayna I knew instantly how special Mattie was by how wonderful she is and have continued to witness it over the last 4 years.



One of the first stories Mattie’s mom shared with me was that of her tattoo. Before leaving this world Mattie had become interested in Irish heritage, so on what would have been Mattie’s 21^st birthday, Dayna did what she thought her son would have done… she got a tattoo. She had a Celtic cross tattooed over her heart.

Since Mattie's departure from this earth, Dayna has become an advocate for the families that have lost someone to the Golden Gate Bridge, sits on the board of the Bridge Rail Foundation, worked with John Bateson, author of “The Final Leap” in compiling the list of those lost to the bridge.  She’s also created a website Golden Gate Bridge Suicides  that offers practical resources for families who are coping with this unique tragedy.

In May of this year, on what would have been Mattie's 25^th birthday, family and friends gathered to celebrate his life. Mattie’s mom put together a Life Celebration video, which included photos that he had taken when he was 16 during his People to People tour, which included Ireland. He loved it there and had wanted to go back. Mattie's mom shared a portion of the video with me. When I saw that Mattie's memory (angel) bracelet  was in the intro, then followed by the beauty that Mattie saw through his eyes (camera lens) and seeing his cute young face and long locks of hair I was brought to tears. 

There is no doubt in my mind and in my heart that the depth of the love that those who knew Mattie runs deep, especially that of his mom.  "Mothers hold their children's hands for just a little while... and their hearts forever."

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sunshine warm upon your face.
May the rains fall upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

My "Overnight Journey'" experience conclusion postponed

It’s been over a week since completing the Overnight Walk and I plan to wrap up my “Overnight Journey” but realized that it is only fitting that I write individual posts for Kathy Hull and Mattie Whitmer. Their memory (angel) bracelets were made when I first began this journey and I wasn’t sure how writing my first blog would play out. As it were, I ended up creating a separate post for each angel and their bracelet made. Kathy and Mattie were both mentioned within my post "Memory Bracelets" but not in their own post.

These two angels and their parents are very special to me and deserve their own posts. So for now, until I write my "In Memory" posts for them both, my conclusion post for my "Overnight Journey" will be postponed for a few more days.

In Memory of Frank Janes

Frank Thomas Janes
1959 - 2010

Frank Thomas Janes was born on May 16, 1959 in San Francisco and departed this world on November 7, 2010.  His mother Sybilla told me that he was the only one of her six children that had her blue eyes.  As a child he loved dinosaurs so much that he knew them all by name.  He was a typical little boy… full of mischief and very quick on his feet. 

As Frank grew a little older he enjoyed watching old classic movies and scary movies… like Frankenstein and Dracula.   He also was a clever artist at a young age.  His mother described his drawings as having “movement” to them.  It was not surprising to learn that Frank was sensitive to and moved by music.  I would imagine that his drawings had movement in them because of his connection to music.  After all, music in one’s soul provides the movement in your feet for dancing and in your hands for creating!  Frank’s mother said that he would often ask her what instrument was playing when listening to music he liked on the radio  and that he always took an interest in a classical piece by Debussy that she would play on the piano. Frank was a true San Francisco 49er and San Francisco Giants fan throughout his entire life.  He was able to see the Giant’s win the World Series in 2010 with his sister Suzy, which made him very happy!

From what Frank’s mother has shared with me, he was a kind, caring and sensitive soul, loved by many.  He had a cat as a teenager named "fricken" that he loved so much, that his heart was broken and was unconsolable after losing his beloved cat. He took care of an old girlfriend who had been diagnosed with brain cancer -- spending all of his weekends with her… keeping her company. It sounds like Frank was an angel here on earth before becoming one of heaven's angels.
  

When making Frank’s angel bracelet, I chose the black beads against the white letter beads to represent the piano keys for the classical pieces that he listed to his mother play and the translucent blue beads for his eyes and a charm with music notes for the music that seemed to touch his soul.

There’s music in a well-lived life, and melodies remain each

time a loving memory repeats the sweet refrain.

The song that lingers in our hearts

becomes our legacy ~ its beauty gently echoing

through all eternity.

- Unknown

In Memory of Adam P. Kaplan

Adam Paul Kaplan
1983 - 2007

Adam Kaplan was born June 20, 1983 and left his large and loving family to be with the angels on December 28, 2007.  Adam is remembered fondly by his family and friends for his good heart, intelligence and sensitivity, his sense of humor and the twinkle in his Irish eyes.

I met Adam’s mother Christine and Aunt Joanie at my first meeting with the Bridge Rail Foundation in San Francisco. We were gathering to discuss the possibility of launching what is now known as the BRF’s “Whose Shoes?” exhibit. I immediately felt a kinship and connection to Adam’s aunt Joanie and mother Christine. Adam’s aunt Joanie was full of energy like my sister and his mother Christine a bit more reserved like me.  I could see in the two sisters, me and my sister and the love and support that they have for each other in such emotional and difficult times. I could only imagine what a wonderful person Adam was, having gotten to know his mother and aunt.

I knew that Adam was one of the angels that I wanted to make a memory bracelet for and carry him with me on my Overnight Journey.  Several weeks ago, I had the opportunity to ask Adam’s mother if I could make a bracelet with his name and walk in his memory.  I asked her for a little information about Adam so that I could put that into the making of the bracelet. Adam’s mom said that he liked the outdoors and loved his dog.

Adam's Memory (Angel) Bracelet

When I was making the bracelet I tried to incorporate the outdoors in it by using the blue and clear beads to represent water; the green beads for the leaves on the trees and grass, the tiny wooden heart beads the bark on the trees;  the light blue cloudy beads for the sky and the clouds; a few golden beads for the sunlight; a little dog charm for his beloved dog and the center bead a shell for the beach and sand that I pictured Adam running and playing with his dog on.

When I saw both Adam’s mother and aunt at the “Whose Shoes?” exhibit and showed them Adam’s memory bracelet, they both thought it was perfect. When I explained to Adam’s aunt Joanie my representation of the beads from the two things that his mother had told me weeks before “he liked the outdoors… and loved his dog”, she asked me if I were physic.  Joanie told me that Adam took his dog Jenny to Fort Funston and the beach all of the time.  She said that Adam, along with the other angels that I’ve been making what she has renamed  my Angel bracelets, must be speaking to me while I was making them. As unusual as that sounds to some (me included), I have to believe that Joanie was right. With every bracelet I’ve made I have felt emotions that I’m not familiar with and I thought that the last five years I had touched on every emotion imaginable.

Thank you Adam for sharing yourself with me while making your “Angel Bracelet”. I can feel the love and devotion that your family will always have for you whenever I'm in their presence.  Say hello to my personal angel “Larry” when you see him!

"The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard,
but must be felt with the heart."
-Helen Keller

In Memory of Matthew "Matty" Cevallos

Matthew "Matty" Cevallos
1970 - 2006

Matthew "Matty" Cevallos was born on April 27, 1970 and departed this world suddenly on at the age of 36.  I didn't know Matty, but wish that I had.  In my effort to get to know a little more about him, I found myself returning several times to the online guest book that his parent's have kept online because I wanted to know who this  beautiful soul was. I have to admit I have cried a thousand tears getting to know Matty through the eyes and words of those whose lives he graced and touched so deeply. We all should be so lucky in life to have had a "Matty C" in our lives.

He was honest and caring with so much love for his family and friends.  Matty possessed extraordinary confidence, intellect and had an infectious smile that lit up the room.  As a boy he excelled in soccer, baseball, skiing and as a man became a formidable tri-athlete. He finished the Ironman Triathlon in Hawaii at age 23. and soon after on the Escape from Alcatraz Biathlon.

From everything that I've learned about Matty from his mother Gloria, along with the words of the many friends and family written in his online guest book, it crystal clear to me that he was a man whose presence in the lives he touched was truly a present! I would not be able to even begin to put into words what so many that knew and loved Matty have alread done, so this post is excepts from the eulogy given by one of his many friends.

"... I have many incredible stories I would love to share with all of you that represent the purity of Matt’s soul, his unconditional devotion to those he loved and cared for, the sacrifices he made, the tears he shed for people he knew and didn’t know, the way in which he always lit up a room and if we all look deep enough, left an imprint on our hearts”…

…“To sum it up and not justly… Matt had a way of making people feel alive like no other just by being present and almost lifeless when he left.” …

…“Matthew Cevallos was 36 years old when he made his departure from this life but as I look around this room, I am convinced more than ever that age is irrelevant because look what he accomplished... He may not have lived the way we think everyone should but again, that’s irrelevant. Imagine the world had we not been blessed with knowing him… It’s almost as though he had a mission from the beginning and it was fulfilled, not for him but for us and then his work was done… Look at the person next to you…. how many of us were connected through Matt, how many of us lived and still live with more passion now after knowing him…

…This world was too small for your enormous spirit Matt… Rest in peace your work here is done.”  - Tami





"... His life may have been short, way too short, but he certainly lived it. Far too many people
“endure” life, but Matt Cevallos “lived” life!
What an awesome legacy."
(excerpt from guest book - Frank)

"It is not length of life, but depth of life."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

In Memory of Michael K.Torres

Michael Kelly Torres
"He has been with me every second of
every day since August 9, 1984"  JT  

I never knew Michael Torres, but have been most fortunate to know his mother Kay and father Paul through the union I work for and its retiree club, as well as his brother John who is an Alameda County Fire Department Captain.  If Michael’s spirit was anything like his mother, father and brothers’, he was no doubt an extraordinary man.

Michael’s brother John has supported my participation in the AFSP Community Walks for the past several years and so generously has supported me in the Overnight Walk.  When the memory bracelet idea came to mind, John was one of my first supporters that I approached.  I told him what I was doing and that I would be honored to make a memory bracelet for his brother Michael and wear it and walk in his memory, along with all of the other angels that other families’ are allowing me the honor to do.   John was very appreciative of my offer and told me that his brother was very proud of his Irish/Mexican heritage and loved the San Francisco Giants. Hence the giants colors and the baseball glove and ball for Michael' memory bracelet.

A few weeks ago I saw Michael’s mother and father at their monthly retirees’ luncheon and showed them the memory bracelet and told them about John’s support.  They both were so gracious and touched by the memory bracelet, that they too, offered their support of me in the OvernightWalk. 

I can only imagine the heartache and frustration that John must have felt… he chose a career in life rescuing people, but was not given that chance to rescue his brother from himself.  I can only hope that it provides John and his family comfort in knowing their continued support of the AFSP is helping to save the lives of countless others.

Valor, Strength, Bravery

In Memory of Michael J. Pharmer

Michael James Pharmer
1990 - 2009

I received a beautiful email from Michael’s mother Mary after she had read my blog on my AFSP “Overnight Journey”.  She not only offered her kind words of praise, but offered insight and tips for the Walk, as she, her daughter and two friends walked the NYC Overnight last year and would be walking the this year’s in memory of her son Michael.

I had asked Mary to tell me a little about Michael, maybe his favorite color, hobbies, etc. so that I could personalize the memory bracelet for him.  Mary’s description of her son had me in tears… how she described Michael's eyes and his gentle and kind nature, it could have very well have been me describing my daughter Amber.  Our children seem to have been cut from the same cloth.  Hearing about Mary's loss of Michael touched my heart in a very personal and deep way. I now hug my daughter more and argue with her less.

Michael was born on Valentine’s Day in 1990 and left this world much too early the day after Christmas in 2009. Michael’s mom described him as incredibly handsome with the most beautiful green hazel eyes.  She said that everyone loved Mike; he was kind, gentle and would never hurt anyone.  While a little shy, once he got to know you… he was funny as all get out.  Mary mentioned that she associated hearts (I'm guessing that Michael was the Valentine’s gift that filled her heart with so much love!) and the colors green and blue to Michael. 

When I was looking for beads to use in the memory bracelet for Michael, I picked out some very pretty blue and green beads, but had spotted a string of beads that had all of the colors that are in my daughter’s eyes. I kept thinking that if Michael’s eyes looked anything like Amber’s, those beads would be a perfect representation of his beautiful eyes. Since I had planned on sending the bracelet to Mary before the walk, I decided to make two… one with the blues and greens to send to Mary; and the other to keep and wear along with the other memory bracelets that I am wearing every day up until the Walk.

We’ve made plans to meet at the Walk, where I’ll give the bracelet that I’ve been wearing to Michael’s sister Beth. While many of us have been brought to this journey as a result of the darkness of losing someone to suicide, it is comforting to know that that darkness has also led us to the light of new found friendships with those who have the same for a future without suicides.

In Memory of Donovan Barks

Donovan Shayne Barks
4/23/71 – 2/13/08

Although I did not have the pleasure of knowing Donovan, I’ve been fortunate to meet and spend a little time with his father Dana (Moonfire) and mother Kandy at one of the Native American solstice and bridge healing ceremonies that they’ve shared with many of the other survivors who have lost loved ones to the Golden Gate Bridge. 

The summer solstice and associated rituals is an important time for the Native American Indians.  It is celebrated with much merriment and shared feasts, as families gather together, dancing and enjoying the gifts of the land. It is a time to offer their thanks in prayers to the Great One who is believed to be watching the tribe and filling them with blessings.  Both adults and children look forward to summer as this is a season of much joy and a fulfillment of their hope for brighter things to come.  These ceremonies have been an important part of our healing and bringing together of many different families… all of us looking forward to brighter things to come.

I recently saw both Dana and Kandy the Marin Symphony’s Golden Gate Opus World Premiere of  Rob Kapilow’s Chrysopylae,- a symphony in which the composer acknowledges in the third movement, the history of suicides that have shadowed the bridge, this movement uses words directly drawn from suicide notes and the words of surviving family members, concluding with a blessing for the victims using the ancient Latin words from the Requiem Mass, “Requiem aeternam, dona eis domine, et lux perpetua luceat eis’ (Grant them eternal rest, Lord, and let ” perpetual light shine on them).  

Donovan’s father Dana said the following in a message to the composer, Rob Kapilow: “You successfully bridged the gap between the bridge we all love and the sad reality that it represents to some of us. I was blessed and honored to experience the Opus on Sunday. You do indeed create community and that is the most precious gift of all. Thank You so very much and my son thanks you also. Here he is saying his version of "This is where I go" taken just three minutes before he left this world” 

When I asked Dana if it would be alright for me to post the memory bracelet that I’d made in memory of Donovan, I was told, “yes, of course…. he is part of the universe now.  Talk to him while you are walking”.  I intend to do just that!

When you have come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen. There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
~~Donovan Barks

In Memory of Casey J. Brooks

Casey Joanna Brooks
1990 - 2008

Casey Joanna Brooks was born Joanna Neilacna in the Gizycko, Suwalki Province in the Polish People’s Republic on May 3, 1990.  She was adopted by John and Erika Brooks and brought home to the United States July 1991. Her parents gave her the name Casey, which means “brave” and kept her birth name Joanna as her middle name.

Casey would have graduated High School in May 2008, and then in the fall gone onto Bennington College, were she’d gained early admission, but in the the early morning hours of January 29, 2008, Casey slipped out of her family home and drove to the Golden Gate Bridge where she ended her young life and changed the lives of so many.

The impact that she had on the lives of her parents and friends is evident when you look at the website iheartcasey.com her parents created in her memory.  You can’t help but feel the love that is out in the universe for Casey when you look at the pictures and read her story in her parent's memory website.

I had met Casey’s parents briefly at one of the Bridge Rail Foundation’s events a few years ago, but never really had the opportunity to talk to them. A few weeks back I had the opportunity to talk to Casey’s mom Erika for a few minutes, while we helped with the sorting and counting of hundreds of pairs of shoes that will be used in the Bridge Rail Foundation’s “Whose Shoe’s” exhibit on May 27^th.

I knew that in my Overnight Journey and making of the memory bracelets that there were several souls lost to the GGB that that I wanted to make a bracelet for and wear in memory of.  Casey Brooks was one of them.  I had been drawn to a little silver “flip-flop” charm and bought it with Casey in mind.  I asked Casey’s mom Erika if Casey had liked the beach…. since I was so drawn to that little flip-flop I knew there must be some connection.  Erika told me that Casey wasn’t a huge fan of the beach, but that she wore flip-flops almost all of the time!

I came home that night and made Casey’s memory bracelet. Deep blue and clear crystal beads and that little flip-flop charm that called out her name.

Overnight Training Day - 4/21/12

Our Overnight Coach Jason Krumenaker

A week ago this past Saturday my teammate and co-worker LaTonya and I drove to the Sports Basement in San Francisco to participate in the Overnight’s 5 mile training walk and a sneak preview of the route.

What a beautiful day for a walk it was.  Upon arrival we were greeted by our Overnight Walk coach Jason Krumenaker.  He made me feel so welcome and special with his warm and enthusiastic “Hi… it’s so nice to meet you LeAnn” and “I’m so glad you were able to make it”.  His enthusiasiam and positive energy did not end with his hello!

Jason led the group gathered in the parking lot of the Sports Basement in some stretching exercises, educating some of us on the fact that your shin actually has muscle to stretch.  Also that there is a reason our mothers always told us “not to stand on tables”.  Lucky for Jason that he’s young and quite agile… as he almost stretched himself right off of the table he stood on so we could all see him.

So after our stretching exercise, we were all off on our first official Overnight training walk.  Along the way we met  new people, shared some of our stories, received tips on the best type of shoe insoles to get for our upcoming 18 mile journey and made new friends. 

The Training Walk was supposed to be a 5 mile walk, but felt like it was much longer than that.  Could this be an indication that I need to get in more training walks before the 9^th than I have thus far?  Absolutely!! 

Now if we could just figure out how to bottle and distribute the energy of our Overnight Coach Jason… the walk would be a piece of cake!!

I have done a few mini-training walks since the Training Walk in San Francisco.  I even braved the 96 degree heat in Scottsdale, Arizona while visiting there with a friend for a few days last week.  I do not recommend training in that kind of heat for any extended period of time.  Thank goodness for the little strip malls I came across… shopping and air conditioning!! What more can a girl ask for?

Thank you for your company and conversation to those met during the Training Walk.  I hope that we see each other again at the Overnight on the 9^th and 10^th and a very special thank you to Jason!!  You are truly inspirational and motivating, added to how darn adorable you are, you are lucky that I didn't snatch you and all of that positive energy you have up and take you home with me. 

The sum of the whole is this: walk and be happy; walk and be healthy. The best way to lengthen out our days is to walk steadily and with a purpose. 

~~ Charles Dickens

In Memory of Tim B.

My offer to the families associated with the Bridge Rail Foundation to make memory bracelets and buttons  to honor their lost angels during the AFSP Overnight Walk was soon extended out to all of those whose have lost someone to suicide and would like me to walk in their memory. 

A very dear friend of mine who has always supported my participation in the AFSP Community Walks is also generously supporting me in the “Overnight Walk” and asked that I walk in memory of her co-worker’s son.  In order to protect the family’s privacy, she asked that I not use his last name.

I've been trying to personalize the memory bracelets in some small way, even though other than Larry, I've never personally met them.  So without being too invasive, I've asked survivors what their angel's favorite color was and have picked up on a small sense of who they were from the words spoken about them.  When I asked my friend if she knew what Tim’s favorite color was, she wasn’t sure.  She suggested using red in the bracelet.  She remembers Tim's personality as very bold and bright… much like the color red.  I added a little “owl” charm to Tim’s bracelet to represent my friend’s love for her co-worker and his family and for their angel “Tim”.  Just as I have a love of butterflies… she has a love of owls.  These beautiful winged creatures are so majestic and spiritual in nature, it seems appropriate to use them in the bracelets.

To my friend, Tim’s family and friends… thank you for allowing me the honor to walk in Tim’s memory.

In Memory of Henry Lew

Henry Lew
1989 - 2007

Henry Lew left this world on May 8, 2007, from the Golden Gate Bridge.  He was only 18 years old.  Henry’s mother Doris said that he was kind, gentle and a bit too sensitive for his own good.  He was pretty serious about everything, self-contained, quiet, a bit of a loner and very much into computers.  We both found it interesting and sad that there were quite a few similarities between her Henry and my Larry.

When I received Doris’s reply to my email sent to other survivors that had lost someone to the Golden Gate Bridge, I cried.  She had written she was having a hard time finding the right words and apologized.  She was incredibly touched by my offer to walk in memory of her angel and many others and by the fact that I was walking.  I was at a loss for words in reply to her.  I can’t imagine the pain that a parent must endure when they lose a child and the strength they must find within themselves to go on.  While any of us who have lost someone to suicide is a survivor, I can’t help but believe that the mothers and fathers that lose their children are the ultimate survivors.  I have a 25 year old daughter and can’t imagine having the strength that I’ve seen in so many of the mothers and fathers I’ve met through the Bridge Rail Foundation. 

Henry’s memory bracelet was made with black and clear beads.  His mother said that she didn't know if he had favorite color, but if he did, he leaned towards dark blue and black. I really like black and saw Henry’s bracelet as my opportunity to make one of the  memory bracelets using black beads.  The charm hanging from the bracelet is an earring of mine that lost its’ mate, just as I have. It looks like a teardrop which was fitting, as I’m certain that many tears have been cried for Henry.

I am honored that Henry’s family is allowing me to walk in his memory during my incredible Out of the Darkness Overnight journey on the June 9th.

In Memory of Larry Collins

Lawrence Craig Collins

aka Larry "Sizzlemaster" Collins

April 10, 1967 - July 26, 2007

Love's Intoxicating Scent

Alone in the dark I cry myself to sleep,
praying that this night I will feel your strong,

yet gentle hand touch my now tear-stained cheek.

I bury my face in your pillow, wanting so

desperately to smell your intoxicating scent.
I’m inhaling but cannot find you there.

Maybe this is God’s way of keeping me alive,
for if I were to find you there, I would never exhale,
for fear of losing you again.

  by LeAnn Wooldridge 8/20/07

Dear Larry

While I no longer cry myself to sleep... I still desperately want to smell your scent, see your smile, feel your hand on my cheek.  I hope that you are smiling down upon me and that you are proud of who I've become as a result of having you come into my life unexpectedly and out of it so abruptly.

You often nagged me about believing in something with all of my heart and not just talking about it, but putting it into action. Your nagging paid off.  As a result of you being part of my life, without even realizing just how much of an impact that you were having on me, I grew up!  Yes... it took me over 40 years to get there, but I'm here now and have no plans of turning back.

So now I will not only walk in your memory, but in memory of so many others who were lost and couldn't find their way.  I walk to help raise funds needed to bring awareness to depression, mental illness, suicide and its prevention.  Too many wonderful souls gone from our lives, with so much to offer the world. I'd like to believe that even though I couldn't save you... I can make a small difference and maybe help save others.

Thank you for letting me into your life and your world for the eight years that you did.  You were a good teacher, man, lover and friend.

Your essence is still alive, as part of you lives on in me and in who I am today.  Happy 45th... where ever you are! xoxo

Loving you always,

LeAnn

Memory Bracelets



My sample memory bracelets
& buttons

My initial thought about making the memory bracelets was that this might be a way to encourage support of my participation in the AFSP "Overnight Walk", while honoring not only Larry's memory, but also of others lost from Golden Gate Bridge.  Before sending out my emails to the group of people associated with the Bridge Rail Foundation, I contacted two of the BRF Board members to ask permission to send out my fundraising request and offer of the memory bracelets.  I made my sample bracelets for each  Board member with their childrens' names on them as an example, in addition to the bracelet I’d made with Larry’s name. They  gave me their blessing, along with their kind words and encouragement.

 

So my “never-been-done-before-by-me” beading experience was about to begin.  First stop… a craft store.  What the heck’s a craft store?  I know my way around a hardware store… but a craft store? A completely different beast.  My first lesson would be…. “Never go to Michael’s Craft Store on your lunch hour”, unless of course your lunch is actually two hours."  Within only a couple of days, I would become a regular at the Dublin Michael’s Store and was well on my way to becoming a bead junkie!

While the sample bracelets that I’d made were okay… the more I looked at them, which was all day (as my plan is to wear every bracelet, every day until the walk)… I being an Aries and a perfectionist, soon realized that I would be remaking not only the first three bracelets that I’d made, but more than likely many of the bracelets that I hadn't even made yet.

Matthew Whitmer
1986 - 2007

I found myself rushing home to get started on remaking the original bracelets.  The first bracelet remake was for Mattie Whitmer.  I knew from his mother Dayna that before he left this world, he had become interested in his Irish heritage.   I had found some pretty green beads that reminded me of clover leafs, but also looked like tear drops. I thought they would be perfect for Mattie's memory bracelet and to finish it... a clover.

Kathy Hull
1977 - 2003

The second bracelet remake was for Kathy Hull.  I picked an aqua colored bead, along with little rosettes and a heart in the center.  The picture that I have seen of Kathy is a beautiful black and white photo.  Even though it's black and white, her eyes look as if they were a color that when you looked into them you might  have felt as though you were swimming in beautiful ocean waters.

more memory bracelts to be posted as I make them....

Why do I walk?



Larry Collins
4/10/67 - 7/26/2007

On July 26, 2007, my boyfriend of 8 years jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge (GGB)... ending his 40 years of life.  That day would forever change my life and me.  Before that day I can honestly say that I personally had never given any thought to the GGB, let alone people committing suicide from it.  After Larry’s death my eyes were opened wide to the dirty little secret of possibly the most beautiful, certainly the most photographed, bridge in the world.  I was horrified to learn that there had been over 1,300 confirmed suicides from the GGB since it’s opening in 1937.  Like me, most people that I told of Larry’s suicide from the GGB were surprised to hear that so many people have, and continue to end their lives off of the GGB.

Several months after losing Larry, his sister mentioned to me that she had heard on the news that a suicide barrier had been approved for the GGB.  I decided to see what I could find out about this online and found an article in the SF Gate.  While the article offered some hope that future lives could be saved with the approved barrier, the readers’ comments to the article offered less hope for humanity.  I was hurt, offended and so angry by the lack of understanding and compassion these people were showing by their comments written… that I decided to chime in.  I spent the rest of my afternoon in an online argument with perfect strangers. At the end of the day I was totally exhausted and felt as if I’d accomplished NOTHING.  It was at that moment that I decided that if I was going put that much energy into anything related to suicides from the GGB I wanted that energy to be well spent on something that might make a difference.

So my online Google search began for an organization that might benefit from my passion, energy and personal talents.  I didn’t have much to offer in the form of monetary contributions, but was willing to give of myself what I could.  I wasn’t even sure what I was looking for in my search… that is why I believe that the The Bridge Rail Foundation found me during my search.  Their sole purpose was to stop the suicides from the GGB – raise the rails so-to-speak on the bridge.  I contacted them through their website with the offer my support and help.  It wasn’t very long after, that my support and offer to help was put to the test.  The BRF had decided to launch its first “Whose Shoes” exhibit.  The group had to first collect 1300 pairs of shoes for the exhibit.  Each pair representing a life lost from the bridge.  I think that I myself collected over 200 pairs of shoes.  It didn’t hurt that my daughter’s friend had a shoe addiction and donated about 50-60 pairs of her shoes.  I also had to face my fear of going into Larry’s storage unit and find a pair of his “shoes” for the exhibit.  I actually had to dig all the way to the back of the unit, but finally found a pair of his shoes that are now part of the “Whose Shoes” exhibit which includes several pairs of the shoes that belonged to those who ended their lives from the GGB.



It was while I was volunteering with the set up of the BRF's first “Whose Shoes” exhibit at the AFSP’s Out of the Darkness Community Walk at Chrissy Field in San Francisco that I learned of the AFSP walks.  The following year in addition to volunteering with the set up of the “Whose Shoes” exhibit, I also had formed “Team Sizzlemaster in memory of Larry Collins”, consisting of myself, my younger sister, Larry’s sister and one of his childhood friends. The following year our team grew to seven and last year to thirteen. 

Over the past few years I had read about the  AFSP "Overnight Walks" and wished that they weren’t held so far away… they seemed like such a moving experience from the video and pictures that I’d seen and read that I wanted to be part of.  When I found out that San Francisco would be hosting this year’s "Overnight Walk" I was thrilled and didn’t have to think twice about signing up.  When trying to recruit others from “Team Sizzlemaster” I realized it was a commitment that not everyone could make… the 18 miles… the overnight… and the fundraising commitment of at least $1,000.  Most of them would have loved to walk,  but were not able to make that commitment.

On my way to work one morning I wondered if some of the wonderful people that I had met through the BRF would also love to walk in memory of their loved ones, but are not able to.  It was then that I decided that their “angels” needed to be remembered too at the “Overnight Walk” and that I wanted walk in their memories, along with Larry’s, if their families would allow me that honor.  My idea for the memory bracelets was born that morning.