In Memory of Michael K.Torres

Michael Kelly Torres
"He has been with me every second of
every day since August 9, 1984"  JT  

I never knew Michael Torres, but have been most fortunate to know his mother Kay and father Paul through the union I work for and its retiree club, as well as his brother John who is an Alameda County Fire Department Captain.  If Michael’s spirit was anything like his mother, father and brothers’, he was no doubt an extraordinary man.

Michael’s brother John has supported my participation in the AFSP Community Walks for the past several years and so generously has supported me in the Overnight Walk.  When the memory bracelet idea came to mind, John was one of my first supporters that I approached.  I told him what I was doing and that I would be honored to make a memory bracelet for his brother Michael and wear it and walk in his memory, along with all of the other angels that other families’ are allowing me the honor to do.   John was very appreciative of my offer and told me that his brother was very proud of his Irish/Mexican heritage and loved the San Francisco Giants. Hence the giants colors and the baseball glove and ball for Michael' memory bracelet.

A few weeks ago I saw Michael’s mother and father at their monthly retirees’ luncheon and showed them the memory bracelet and told them about John’s support.  They both were so gracious and touched by the memory bracelet, that they too, offered their support of me in the OvernightWalk. 

I can only imagine the heartache and frustration that John must have felt… he chose a career in life rescuing people, but was not given that chance to rescue his brother from himself.  I can only hope that it provides John and his family comfort in knowing their continued support of the AFSP is helping to save the lives of countless others.

Valor, Strength, Bravery

In Memory of Michael J. Pharmer

Michael James Pharmer
1990 - 2009

I received a beautiful email from Michael’s mother Mary after she had read my blog on my AFSP “Overnight Journey”.  She not only offered her kind words of praise, but offered insight and tips for the Walk, as she, her daughter and two friends walked the NYC Overnight last year and would be walking the this year’s in memory of her son Michael.

I had asked Mary to tell me a little about Michael, maybe his favorite color, hobbies, etc. so that I could personalize the memory bracelet for him.  Mary’s description of her son had me in tears… how she described Michael's eyes and his gentle and kind nature, it could have very well have been me describing my daughter Amber.  Our children seem to have been cut from the same cloth.  Hearing about Mary's loss of Michael touched my heart in a very personal and deep way. I now hug my daughter more and argue with her less.

Michael was born on Valentine’s Day in 1990 and left this world much too early the day after Christmas in 2009. Michael’s mom described him as incredibly handsome with the most beautiful green hazel eyes.  She said that everyone loved Mike; he was kind, gentle and would never hurt anyone.  While a little shy, once he got to know you… he was funny as all get out.  Mary mentioned that she associated hearts (I'm guessing that Michael was the Valentine’s gift that filled her heart with so much love!) and the colors green and blue to Michael. 

When I was looking for beads to use in the memory bracelet for Michael, I picked out some very pretty blue and green beads, but had spotted a string of beads that had all of the colors that are in my daughter’s eyes. I kept thinking that if Michael’s eyes looked anything like Amber’s, those beads would be a perfect representation of his beautiful eyes. Since I had planned on sending the bracelet to Mary before the walk, I decided to make two… one with the blues and greens to send to Mary; and the other to keep and wear along with the other memory bracelets that I am wearing every day up until the Walk.

We’ve made plans to meet at the Walk, where I’ll give the bracelet that I’ve been wearing to Michael’s sister Beth. While many of us have been brought to this journey as a result of the darkness of losing someone to suicide, it is comforting to know that that darkness has also led us to the light of new found friendships with those who have the same for a future without suicides.

In Memory of Donovan Barks

Donovan Shayne Barks
4/23/71 – 2/13/08

Although I did not have the pleasure of knowing Donovan, I’ve been fortunate to meet and spend a little time with his father Dana (Moonfire) and mother Kandy at one of the Native American solstice and bridge healing ceremonies that they’ve shared with many of the other survivors who have lost loved ones to the Golden Gate Bridge. 

The summer solstice and associated rituals is an important time for the Native American Indians.  It is celebrated with much merriment and shared feasts, as families gather together, dancing and enjoying the gifts of the land. It is a time to offer their thanks in prayers to the Great One who is believed to be watching the tribe and filling them with blessings.  Both adults and children look forward to summer as this is a season of much joy and a fulfillment of their hope for brighter things to come.  These ceremonies have been an important part of our healing and bringing together of many different families… all of us looking forward to brighter things to come.

I recently saw both Dana and Kandy the Marin Symphony’s Golden Gate Opus World Premiere of  Rob Kapilow’s Chrysopylae,- a symphony in which the composer acknowledges in the third movement, the history of suicides that have shadowed the bridge, this movement uses words directly drawn from suicide notes and the words of surviving family members, concluding with a blessing for the victims using the ancient Latin words from the Requiem Mass, “Requiem aeternam, dona eis domine, et lux perpetua luceat eis’ (Grant them eternal rest, Lord, and let ” perpetual light shine on them).  

Donovan’s father Dana said the following in a message to the composer, Rob Kapilow: “You successfully bridged the gap between the bridge we all love and the sad reality that it represents to some of us. I was blessed and honored to experience the Opus on Sunday. You do indeed create community and that is the most precious gift of all. Thank You so very much and my son thanks you also. Here he is saying his version of "This is where I go" taken just three minutes before he left this world” 

When I asked Dana if it would be alright for me to post the memory bracelet that I’d made in memory of Donovan, I was told, “yes, of course…. he is part of the universe now.  Talk to him while you are walking”.  I intend to do just that!

When you have come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen. There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
~~Donovan Barks

In Memory of Casey J. Brooks

Casey Joanna Brooks
1990 - 2008

Casey Joanna Brooks was born Joanna Neilacna in the Gizycko, Suwalki Province in the Polish People’s Republic on May 3, 1990.  She was adopted by John and Erika Brooks and brought home to the United States July 1991. Her parents gave her the name Casey, which means “brave” and kept her birth name Joanna as her middle name.

Casey would have graduated High School in May 2008, and then in the fall gone onto Bennington College, were she’d gained early admission, but in the the early morning hours of January 29, 2008, Casey slipped out of her family home and drove to the Golden Gate Bridge where she ended her young life and changed the lives of so many.

The impact that she had on the lives of her parents and friends is evident when you look at the website iheartcasey.com her parents created in her memory.  You can’t help but feel the love that is out in the universe for Casey when you look at the pictures and read her story in her parent's memory website.

I had met Casey’s parents briefly at one of the Bridge Rail Foundation’s events a few years ago, but never really had the opportunity to talk to them. A few weeks back I had the opportunity to talk to Casey’s mom Erika for a few minutes, while we helped with the sorting and counting of hundreds of pairs of shoes that will be used in the Bridge Rail Foundation’s “Whose Shoe’s” exhibit on May 27^th.

I knew that in my Overnight Journey and making of the memory bracelets that there were several souls lost to the GGB that that I wanted to make a bracelet for and wear in memory of.  Casey Brooks was one of them.  I had been drawn to a little silver “flip-flop” charm and bought it with Casey in mind.  I asked Casey’s mom Erika if Casey had liked the beach…. since I was so drawn to that little flip-flop I knew there must be some connection.  Erika told me that Casey wasn’t a huge fan of the beach, but that she wore flip-flops almost all of the time!

I came home that night and made Casey’s memory bracelet. Deep blue and clear crystal beads and that little flip-flop charm that called out her name.