In Memory of Michael J. Pharmer

Michael James Pharmer
1990 - 2009

I received a beautiful email from Michael’s mother Mary after she had read my blog on my AFSP “Overnight Journey”.  She not only offered her kind words of praise, but offered insight and tips for the Walk, as she, her daughter and two friends walked the NYC Overnight last year and would be walking the this year’s in memory of her son Michael.

I had asked Mary to tell me a little about Michael, maybe his favorite color, hobbies, etc. so that I could personalize the memory bracelet for him.  Mary’s description of her son had me in tears… how she described Michael's eyes and his gentle and kind nature, it could have very well have been me describing my daughter Amber.  Our children seem to have been cut from the same cloth.  Hearing about Mary's loss of Michael touched my heart in a very personal and deep way. I now hug my daughter more and argue with her less.

Michael was born on Valentine’s Day in 1990 and left this world much too early the day after Christmas in 2009. Michael’s mom described him as incredibly handsome with the most beautiful green hazel eyes.  She said that everyone loved Mike; he was kind, gentle and would never hurt anyone.  While a little shy, once he got to know you… he was funny as all get out.  Mary mentioned that she associated hearts (I'm guessing that Michael was the Valentine’s gift that filled her heart with so much love!) and the colors green and blue to Michael. 

When I was looking for beads to use in the memory bracelet for Michael, I picked out some very pretty blue and green beads, but had spotted a string of beads that had all of the colors that are in my daughter’s eyes. I kept thinking that if Michael’s eyes looked anything like Amber’s, those beads would be a perfect representation of his beautiful eyes. Since I had planned on sending the bracelet to Mary before the walk, I decided to make two… one with the blues and greens to send to Mary; and the other to keep and wear along with the other memory bracelets that I am wearing every day up until the Walk.

We’ve made plans to meet at the Walk, where I’ll give the bracelet that I’ve been wearing to Michael’s sister Beth. While many of us have been brought to this journey as a result of the darkness of losing someone to suicide, it is comforting to know that that darkness has also led us to the light of new found friendships with those who have the same for a future without suicides.

In Memory of Donovan Barks

Donovan Shayne Barks
4/23/71 – 2/13/08

Although I did not have the pleasure of knowing Donovan, I’ve been fortunate to meet and spend a little time with his father Dana (Moonfire) and mother Kandy at one of the Native American solstice and bridge healing ceremonies that they’ve shared with many of the other survivors who have lost loved ones to the Golden Gate Bridge. 

The summer solstice and associated rituals is an important time for the Native American Indians.  It is celebrated with much merriment and shared feasts, as families gather together, dancing and enjoying the gifts of the land. It is a time to offer their thanks in prayers to the Great One who is believed to be watching the tribe and filling them with blessings.  Both adults and children look forward to summer as this is a season of much joy and a fulfillment of their hope for brighter things to come.  These ceremonies have been an important part of our healing and bringing together of many different families… all of us looking forward to brighter things to come.

I recently saw both Dana and Kandy the Marin Symphony’s Golden Gate Opus World Premiere of  Rob Kapilow’s Chrysopylae,- a symphony in which the composer acknowledges in the third movement, the history of suicides that have shadowed the bridge, this movement uses words directly drawn from suicide notes and the words of surviving family members, concluding with a blessing for the victims using the ancient Latin words from the Requiem Mass, “Requiem aeternam, dona eis domine, et lux perpetua luceat eis’ (Grant them eternal rest, Lord, and let ” perpetual light shine on them).  

Donovan’s father Dana said the following in a message to the composer, Rob Kapilow: “You successfully bridged the gap between the bridge we all love and the sad reality that it represents to some of us. I was blessed and honored to experience the Opus on Sunday. You do indeed create community and that is the most precious gift of all. Thank You so very much and my son thanks you also. Here he is saying his version of "This is where I go" taken just three minutes before he left this world” 

When I asked Dana if it would be alright for me to post the memory bracelet that I’d made in memory of Donovan, I was told, “yes, of course…. he is part of the universe now.  Talk to him while you are walking”.  I intend to do just that!

When you have come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen. There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
~~Donovan Barks

In Memory of Casey J. Brooks

Casey Joanna Brooks
1990 - 2008

Casey Joanna Brooks was born Joanna Neilacna in the Gizycko, Suwalki Province in the Polish People’s Republic on May 3, 1990.  She was adopted by John and Erika Brooks and brought home to the United States July 1991. Her parents gave her the name Casey, which means “brave” and kept her birth name Joanna as her middle name.

Casey would have graduated High School in May 2008, and then in the fall gone onto Bennington College, were she’d gained early admission, but in the the early morning hours of January 29, 2008, Casey slipped out of her family home and drove to the Golden Gate Bridge where she ended her young life and changed the lives of so many.

The impact that she had on the lives of her parents and friends is evident when you look at the website iheartcasey.com her parents created in her memory.  You can’t help but feel the love that is out in the universe for Casey when you look at the pictures and read her story in her parent's memory website.

I had met Casey’s parents briefly at one of the Bridge Rail Foundation’s events a few years ago, but never really had the opportunity to talk to them. A few weeks back I had the opportunity to talk to Casey’s mom Erika for a few minutes, while we helped with the sorting and counting of hundreds of pairs of shoes that will be used in the Bridge Rail Foundation’s “Whose Shoe’s” exhibit on May 27^th.

I knew that in my Overnight Journey and making of the memory bracelets that there were several souls lost to the GGB that that I wanted to make a bracelet for and wear in memory of.  Casey Brooks was one of them.  I had been drawn to a little silver “flip-flop” charm and bought it with Casey in mind.  I asked Casey’s mom Erika if Casey had liked the beach…. since I was so drawn to that little flip-flop I knew there must be some connection.  Erika told me that Casey wasn’t a huge fan of the beach, but that she wore flip-flops almost all of the time!

I came home that night and made Casey’s memory bracelet. Deep blue and clear crystal beads and that little flip-flop charm that called out her name.

Overnight Training Day - 4/21/12

Our Overnight Coach Jason Krumenaker

A week ago this past Saturday my teammate and co-worker LaTonya and I drove to the Sports Basement in San Francisco to participate in the Overnight’s 5 mile training walk and a sneak preview of the route.

What a beautiful day for a walk it was.  Upon arrival we were greeted by our Overnight Walk coach Jason Krumenaker.  He made me feel so welcome and special with his warm and enthusiastic “Hi… it’s so nice to meet you LeAnn” and “I’m so glad you were able to make it”.  His enthusiasiam and positive energy did not end with his hello!

Jason led the group gathered in the parking lot of the Sports Basement in some stretching exercises, educating some of us on the fact that your shin actually has muscle to stretch.  Also that there is a reason our mothers always told us “not to stand on tables”.  Lucky for Jason that he’s young and quite agile… as he almost stretched himself right off of the table he stood on so we could all see him.

So after our stretching exercise, we were all off on our first official Overnight training walk.  Along the way we met  new people, shared some of our stories, received tips on the best type of shoe insoles to get for our upcoming 18 mile journey and made new friends. 

The Training Walk was supposed to be a 5 mile walk, but felt like it was much longer than that.  Could this be an indication that I need to get in more training walks before the 9^th than I have thus far?  Absolutely!! 

Now if we could just figure out how to bottle and distribute the energy of our Overnight Coach Jason… the walk would be a piece of cake!!

I have done a few mini-training walks since the Training Walk in San Francisco.  I even braved the 96 degree heat in Scottsdale, Arizona while visiting there with a friend for a few days last week.  I do not recommend training in that kind of heat for any extended period of time.  Thank goodness for the little strip malls I came across… shopping and air conditioning!! What more can a girl ask for?

Thank you for your company and conversation to those met during the Training Walk.  I hope that we see each other again at the Overnight on the 9^th and 10^th and a very special thank you to Jason!!  You are truly inspirational and motivating, added to how darn adorable you are, you are lucky that I didn't snatch you and all of that positive energy you have up and take you home with me. 

The sum of the whole is this: walk and be happy; walk and be healthy. The best way to lengthen out our days is to walk steadily and with a purpose. 

~~ Charles Dickens

In Memory of Tim B.

My offer to the families associated with the Bridge Rail Foundation to make memory bracelets and buttons  to honor their lost angels during the AFSP Overnight Walk was soon extended out to all of those whose have lost someone to suicide and would like me to walk in their memory. 

A very dear friend of mine who has always supported my participation in the AFSP Community Walks is also generously supporting me in the “Overnight Walk” and asked that I walk in memory of her co-worker’s son.  In order to protect the family’s privacy, she asked that I not use his last name.

I've been trying to personalize the memory bracelets in some small way, even though other than Larry, I've never personally met them.  So without being too invasive, I've asked survivors what their angel's favorite color was and have picked up on a small sense of who they were from the words spoken about them.  When I asked my friend if she knew what Tim’s favorite color was, she wasn’t sure.  She suggested using red in the bracelet.  She remembers Tim's personality as very bold and bright… much like the color red.  I added a little “owl” charm to Tim’s bracelet to represent my friend’s love for her co-worker and his family and for their angel “Tim”.  Just as I have a love of butterflies… she has a love of owls.  These beautiful winged creatures are so majestic and spiritual in nature, it seems appropriate to use them in the bracelets.

To my friend, Tim’s family and friends… thank you for allowing me the honor to walk in Tim’s memory.

In Memory of Henry Lew

Henry Lew
1989 - 2007

Henry Lew left this world on May 8, 2007, from the Golden Gate Bridge.  He was only 18 years old.  Henry’s mother Doris said that he was kind, gentle and a bit too sensitive for his own good.  He was pretty serious about everything, self-contained, quiet, a bit of a loner and very much into computers.  We both found it interesting and sad that there were quite a few similarities between her Henry and my Larry.

When I received Doris’s reply to my email sent to other survivors that had lost someone to the Golden Gate Bridge, I cried.  She had written she was having a hard time finding the right words and apologized.  She was incredibly touched by my offer to walk in memory of her angel and many others and by the fact that I was walking.  I was at a loss for words in reply to her.  I can’t imagine the pain that a parent must endure when they lose a child and the strength they must find within themselves to go on.  While any of us who have lost someone to suicide is a survivor, I can’t help but believe that the mothers and fathers that lose their children are the ultimate survivors.  I have a 25 year old daughter and can’t imagine having the strength that I’ve seen in so many of the mothers and fathers I’ve met through the Bridge Rail Foundation. 

Henry’s memory bracelet was made with black and clear beads.  His mother said that she didn't know if he had favorite color, but if he did, he leaned towards dark blue and black. I really like black and saw Henry’s bracelet as my opportunity to make one of the  memory bracelets using black beads.  The charm hanging from the bracelet is an earring of mine that lost its’ mate, just as I have. It looks like a teardrop which was fitting, as I’m certain that many tears have been cried for Henry.

I am honored that Henry’s family is allowing me to walk in his memory during my incredible Out of the Darkness Overnight journey on the June 9th.

In Memory of Larry Collins

Lawrence Craig Collins

aka Larry "Sizzlemaster" Collins

April 10, 1967 - July 26, 2007

Love's Intoxicating Scent

Alone in the dark I cry myself to sleep,
praying that this night I will feel your strong,

yet gentle hand touch my now tear-stained cheek.

I bury my face in your pillow, wanting so

desperately to smell your intoxicating scent.
I’m inhaling but cannot find you there.

Maybe this is God’s way of keeping me alive,
for if I were to find you there, I would never exhale,
for fear of losing you again.

  by LeAnn Wooldridge 8/20/07

Dear Larry

While I no longer cry myself to sleep... I still desperately want to smell your scent, see your smile, feel your hand on my cheek.  I hope that you are smiling down upon me and that you are proud of who I've become as a result of having you come into my life unexpectedly and out of it so abruptly.

You often nagged me about believing in something with all of my heart and not just talking about it, but putting it into action. Your nagging paid off.  As a result of you being part of my life, without even realizing just how much of an impact that you were having on me, I grew up!  Yes... it took me over 40 years to get there, but I'm here now and have no plans of turning back.

So now I will not only walk in your memory, but in memory of so many others who were lost and couldn't find their way.  I walk to help raise funds needed to bring awareness to depression, mental illness, suicide and its prevention.  Too many wonderful souls gone from our lives, with so much to offer the world. I'd like to believe that even though I couldn't save you... I can make a small difference and maybe help save others.

Thank you for letting me into your life and your world for the eight years that you did.  You were a good teacher, man, lover and friend.

Your essence is still alive, as part of you lives on in me and in who I am today.  Happy 45th... where ever you are! xoxo

Loving you always,

LeAnn