In Memory of Frank Janes

Frank Thomas Janes
1959 - 2010

Frank Thomas Janes was born on May 16, 1959 in San Francisco and departed this world on November 7, 2010.  His mother Sybilla told me that he was the only one of her six children that had her blue eyes.  As a child he loved dinosaurs so much that he knew them all by name.  He was a typical little boy… full of mischief and very quick on his feet. 

As Frank grew a little older he enjoyed watching old classic movies and scary movies… like Frankenstein and Dracula.   He also was a clever artist at a young age.  His mother described his drawings as having “movement” to them.  It was not surprising to learn that Frank was sensitive to and moved by music.  I would imagine that his drawings had movement in them because of his connection to music.  After all, music in one’s soul provides the movement in your feet for dancing and in your hands for creating!  Frank’s mother said that he would often ask her what instrument was playing when listening to music he liked on the radio  and that he always took an interest in a classical piece by Debussy that she would play on the piano. Frank was a true San Francisco 49er and San Francisco Giants fan throughout his entire life.  He was able to see the Giant’s win the World Series in 2010 with his sister Suzy, which made him very happy!

From what Frank’s mother has shared with me, he was a kind, caring and sensitive soul, loved by many.  He had a cat as a teenager named "fricken" that he loved so much, that his heart was broken and was unconsolable after losing his beloved cat. He took care of an old girlfriend who had been diagnosed with brain cancer -- spending all of his weekends with her… keeping her company. It sounds like Frank was an angel here on earth before becoming one of heaven's angels.
  

When making Frank’s angel bracelet, I chose the black beads against the white letter beads to represent the piano keys for the classical pieces that he listed to his mother play and the translucent blue beads for his eyes and a charm with music notes for the music that seemed to touch his soul.

There’s music in a well-lived life, and melodies remain each

time a loving memory repeats the sweet refrain.

The song that lingers in our hearts

becomes our legacy ~ its beauty gently echoing

through all eternity.

- Unknown

In Memory of Adam P. Kaplan

Adam Paul Kaplan
1983 - 2007

Adam Kaplan was born June 20, 1983 and left his large and loving family to be with the angels on December 28, 2007.  Adam is remembered fondly by his family and friends for his good heart, intelligence and sensitivity, his sense of humor and the twinkle in his Irish eyes.

I met Adam’s mother Christine and Aunt Joanie at my first meeting with the Bridge Rail Foundation in San Francisco. We were gathering to discuss the possibility of launching what is now known as the BRF’s “Whose Shoes?” exhibit. I immediately felt a kinship and connection to Adam’s aunt Joanie and mother Christine. Adam’s aunt Joanie was full of energy like my sister and his mother Christine a bit more reserved like me.  I could see in the two sisters, me and my sister and the love and support that they have for each other in such emotional and difficult times. I could only imagine what a wonderful person Adam was, having gotten to know his mother and aunt.

I knew that Adam was one of the angels that I wanted to make a memory bracelet for and carry him with me on my Overnight Journey.  Several weeks ago, I had the opportunity to ask Adam’s mother if I could make a bracelet with his name and walk in his memory.  I asked her for a little information about Adam so that I could put that into the making of the bracelet. Adam’s mom said that he liked the outdoors and loved his dog.

Adam's Memory (Angel) Bracelet

When I was making the bracelet I tried to incorporate the outdoors in it by using the blue and clear beads to represent water; the green beads for the leaves on the trees and grass, the tiny wooden heart beads the bark on the trees;  the light blue cloudy beads for the sky and the clouds; a few golden beads for the sunlight; a little dog charm for his beloved dog and the center bead a shell for the beach and sand that I pictured Adam running and playing with his dog on.

When I saw both Adam’s mother and aunt at the “Whose Shoes?” exhibit and showed them Adam’s memory bracelet, they both thought it was perfect. When I explained to Adam’s aunt Joanie my representation of the beads from the two things that his mother had told me weeks before “he liked the outdoors… and loved his dog”, she asked me if I were physic.  Joanie told me that Adam took his dog Jenny to Fort Funston and the beach all of the time.  She said that Adam, along with the other angels that I’ve been making what she has renamed  my Angel bracelets, must be speaking to me while I was making them. As unusual as that sounds to some (me included), I have to believe that Joanie was right. With every bracelet I’ve made I have felt emotions that I’m not familiar with and I thought that the last five years I had touched on every emotion imaginable.

Thank you Adam for sharing yourself with me while making your “Angel Bracelet”. I can feel the love and devotion that your family will always have for you whenever I'm in their presence.  Say hello to my personal angel “Larry” when you see him!

"The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard,
but must be felt with the heart."
-Helen Keller

In Memory of Matthew "Matty" Cevallos

Matthew "Matty" Cevallos
1970 - 2006

Matthew "Matty" Cevallos was born on April 27, 1970 and departed this world suddenly on at the age of 36.  I didn't know Matty, but wish that I had.  In my effort to get to know a little more about him, I found myself returning several times to the online guest book that his parent's have kept online because I wanted to know who this  beautiful soul was. I have to admit I have cried a thousand tears getting to know Matty through the eyes and words of those whose lives he graced and touched so deeply. We all should be so lucky in life to have had a "Matty C" in our lives.

He was honest and caring with so much love for his family and friends.  Matty possessed extraordinary confidence, intellect and had an infectious smile that lit up the room.  As a boy he excelled in soccer, baseball, skiing and as a man became a formidable tri-athlete. He finished the Ironman Triathlon in Hawaii at age 23. and soon after on the Escape from Alcatraz Biathlon.

From everything that I've learned about Matty from his mother Gloria, along with the words of the many friends and family written in his online guest book, it crystal clear to me that he was a man whose presence in the lives he touched was truly a present! I would not be able to even begin to put into words what so many that knew and loved Matty have alread done, so this post is excepts from the eulogy given by one of his many friends.

"... I have many incredible stories I would love to share with all of you that represent the purity of Matt’s soul, his unconditional devotion to those he loved and cared for, the sacrifices he made, the tears he shed for people he knew and didn’t know, the way in which he always lit up a room and if we all look deep enough, left an imprint on our hearts”…

…“To sum it up and not justly… Matt had a way of making people feel alive like no other just by being present and almost lifeless when he left.” …

…“Matthew Cevallos was 36 years old when he made his departure from this life but as I look around this room, I am convinced more than ever that age is irrelevant because look what he accomplished... He may not have lived the way we think everyone should but again, that’s irrelevant. Imagine the world had we not been blessed with knowing him… It’s almost as though he had a mission from the beginning and it was fulfilled, not for him but for us and then his work was done… Look at the person next to you…. how many of us were connected through Matt, how many of us lived and still live with more passion now after knowing him…

…This world was too small for your enormous spirit Matt… Rest in peace your work here is done.”  - Tami





"... His life may have been short, way too short, but he certainly lived it. Far too many people
“endure” life, but Matt Cevallos “lived” life!
What an awesome legacy."
(excerpt from guest book - Frank)

"It is not length of life, but depth of life."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

In Memory of Michael K.Torres

Michael Kelly Torres
"He has been with me every second of
every day since August 9, 1984"  JT  

I never knew Michael Torres, but have been most fortunate to know his mother Kay and father Paul through the union I work for and its retiree club, as well as his brother John who is an Alameda County Fire Department Captain.  If Michael’s spirit was anything like his mother, father and brothers’, he was no doubt an extraordinary man.

Michael’s brother John has supported my participation in the AFSP Community Walks for the past several years and so generously has supported me in the Overnight Walk.  When the memory bracelet idea came to mind, John was one of my first supporters that I approached.  I told him what I was doing and that I would be honored to make a memory bracelet for his brother Michael and wear it and walk in his memory, along with all of the other angels that other families’ are allowing me the honor to do.   John was very appreciative of my offer and told me that his brother was very proud of his Irish/Mexican heritage and loved the San Francisco Giants. Hence the giants colors and the baseball glove and ball for Michael' memory bracelet.

A few weeks ago I saw Michael’s mother and father at their monthly retirees’ luncheon and showed them the memory bracelet and told them about John’s support.  They both were so gracious and touched by the memory bracelet, that they too, offered their support of me in the OvernightWalk. 

I can only imagine the heartache and frustration that John must have felt… he chose a career in life rescuing people, but was not given that chance to rescue his brother from himself.  I can only hope that it provides John and his family comfort in knowing their continued support of the AFSP is helping to save the lives of countless others.

Valor, Strength, Bravery

In Memory of Michael J. Pharmer

Michael James Pharmer
1990 - 2009

I received a beautiful email from Michael’s mother Mary after she had read my blog on my AFSP “Overnight Journey”.  She not only offered her kind words of praise, but offered insight and tips for the Walk, as she, her daughter and two friends walked the NYC Overnight last year and would be walking the this year’s in memory of her son Michael.

I had asked Mary to tell me a little about Michael, maybe his favorite color, hobbies, etc. so that I could personalize the memory bracelet for him.  Mary’s description of her son had me in tears… how she described Michael's eyes and his gentle and kind nature, it could have very well have been me describing my daughter Amber.  Our children seem to have been cut from the same cloth.  Hearing about Mary's loss of Michael touched my heart in a very personal and deep way. I now hug my daughter more and argue with her less.

Michael was born on Valentine’s Day in 1990 and left this world much too early the day after Christmas in 2009. Michael’s mom described him as incredibly handsome with the most beautiful green hazel eyes.  She said that everyone loved Mike; he was kind, gentle and would never hurt anyone.  While a little shy, once he got to know you… he was funny as all get out.  Mary mentioned that she associated hearts (I'm guessing that Michael was the Valentine’s gift that filled her heart with so much love!) and the colors green and blue to Michael. 

When I was looking for beads to use in the memory bracelet for Michael, I picked out some very pretty blue and green beads, but had spotted a string of beads that had all of the colors that are in my daughter’s eyes. I kept thinking that if Michael’s eyes looked anything like Amber’s, those beads would be a perfect representation of his beautiful eyes. Since I had planned on sending the bracelet to Mary before the walk, I decided to make two… one with the blues and greens to send to Mary; and the other to keep and wear along with the other memory bracelets that I am wearing every day up until the Walk.

We’ve made plans to meet at the Walk, where I’ll give the bracelet that I’ve been wearing to Michael’s sister Beth. While many of us have been brought to this journey as a result of the darkness of losing someone to suicide, it is comforting to know that that darkness has also led us to the light of new found friendships with those who have the same for a future without suicides.

In Memory of Donovan Barks

Donovan Shayne Barks
4/23/71 – 2/13/08

Although I did not have the pleasure of knowing Donovan, I’ve been fortunate to meet and spend a little time with his father Dana (Moonfire) and mother Kandy at one of the Native American solstice and bridge healing ceremonies that they’ve shared with many of the other survivors who have lost loved ones to the Golden Gate Bridge. 

The summer solstice and associated rituals is an important time for the Native American Indians.  It is celebrated with much merriment and shared feasts, as families gather together, dancing and enjoying the gifts of the land. It is a time to offer their thanks in prayers to the Great One who is believed to be watching the tribe and filling them with blessings.  Both adults and children look forward to summer as this is a season of much joy and a fulfillment of their hope for brighter things to come.  These ceremonies have been an important part of our healing and bringing together of many different families… all of us looking forward to brighter things to come.

I recently saw both Dana and Kandy the Marin Symphony’s Golden Gate Opus World Premiere of  Rob Kapilow’s Chrysopylae,- a symphony in which the composer acknowledges in the third movement, the history of suicides that have shadowed the bridge, this movement uses words directly drawn from suicide notes and the words of surviving family members, concluding with a blessing for the victims using the ancient Latin words from the Requiem Mass, “Requiem aeternam, dona eis domine, et lux perpetua luceat eis’ (Grant them eternal rest, Lord, and let ” perpetual light shine on them).  

Donovan’s father Dana said the following in a message to the composer, Rob Kapilow: “You successfully bridged the gap between the bridge we all love and the sad reality that it represents to some of us. I was blessed and honored to experience the Opus on Sunday. You do indeed create community and that is the most precious gift of all. Thank You so very much and my son thanks you also. Here he is saying his version of "This is where I go" taken just three minutes before he left this world” 

When I asked Dana if it would be alright for me to post the memory bracelet that I’d made in memory of Donovan, I was told, “yes, of course…. he is part of the universe now.  Talk to him while you are walking”.  I intend to do just that!

When you have come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen. There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
~~Donovan Barks

In Memory of Casey J. Brooks

Casey Joanna Brooks
1990 - 2008

Casey Joanna Brooks was born Joanna Neilacna in the Gizycko, Suwalki Province in the Polish People’s Republic on May 3, 1990.  She was adopted by John and Erika Brooks and brought home to the United States July 1991. Her parents gave her the name Casey, which means “brave” and kept her birth name Joanna as her middle name.

Casey would have graduated High School in May 2008, and then in the fall gone onto Bennington College, were she’d gained early admission, but in the the early morning hours of January 29, 2008, Casey slipped out of her family home and drove to the Golden Gate Bridge where she ended her young life and changed the lives of so many.

The impact that she had on the lives of her parents and friends is evident when you look at the website iheartcasey.com her parents created in her memory.  You can’t help but feel the love that is out in the universe for Casey when you look at the pictures and read her story in her parent's memory website.

I had met Casey’s parents briefly at one of the Bridge Rail Foundation’s events a few years ago, but never really had the opportunity to talk to them. A few weeks back I had the opportunity to talk to Casey’s mom Erika for a few minutes, while we helped with the sorting and counting of hundreds of pairs of shoes that will be used in the Bridge Rail Foundation’s “Whose Shoe’s” exhibit on May 27^th.

I knew that in my Overnight Journey and making of the memory bracelets that there were several souls lost to the GGB that that I wanted to make a bracelet for and wear in memory of.  Casey Brooks was one of them.  I had been drawn to a little silver “flip-flop” charm and bought it with Casey in mind.  I asked Casey’s mom Erika if Casey had liked the beach…. since I was so drawn to that little flip-flop I knew there must be some connection.  Erika told me that Casey wasn’t a huge fan of the beach, but that she wore flip-flops almost all of the time!

I came home that night and made Casey’s memory bracelet. Deep blue and clear crystal beads and that little flip-flop charm that called out her name.