In Memory of Kathy Hull

Kathy Hull
1978-2003

My post for Kathy is the last post in memory of the angels who traveled with me on my Overnight Journey.  Kathy’s parents Dave and Jean were the first of the many wonderful people that I have met over the past four years through the Bridge Rail Foundation.  

Dave is the President and founder of the Bridge Rail Foundation.  It has moved me over the past four years to see a father’s love for his daughter demonstrated in his tireless efforts to see that no other father or mother have to experience the loss that he and Jean have to the Golden Gate Bridge. The pain that I’ve seen in their eyes when they talk about her breaks my heart every time. Yet through that pain, their love for Kathy keeps them committed to making the net real on the on the bridge.

I made Kathy’s angel bracelet with aqua colored beads because I thought of her eyes.  When I showed her mother Jean her bracelet she had tears in her eyes. She told me that the beads were Kathy’s favorite color and the rosettes were perfect, as Kathy was an avid gardener.  She also told me after I added the hummingbird charm, that Kathy loved hummingbirds. I imagined that the hummingbirds loved her for growing the beautiful flowers in her garden for them to drink their sweet nectar.

I thought that writing this post would be easier than it has been because I feel so connected to Kathy’s parents, so I imagined that the words would flow from my finger tips. Instead they have stumbled on the keyboard.  Perhaps I’ll revisit and post more when I write my conclusion of my Overnight Journey blog.

I came across the following poem and thought of Kathy's parents.

Just for Today

by Vicki Tushingham

   Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours
and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it,

just one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just her death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or

comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,
for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child,
for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.

Just for today I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child
because I know that would make my own child proud.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent
for I do know how they feel.

Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,
I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving
and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much

Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be who I am and have had my child for as long as I did.

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy,
for I know that I am not deserting her by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on,

and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

In Memory of Matthew "Mattie" Whitmer

Matthew "Mattie" Whitmer
May 28, 1987 ~ Nov. 15, 2007

When I first became involved with the Bridge Rail Foundation one of the first persons I connected with was Mattie’s mom Dayna.  From the moment that I met Dayna I knew instantly how special Mattie was by how wonderful she is and have continued to witness it over the last 4 years.



One of the first stories Mattie’s mom shared with me was that of her tattoo. Before leaving this world Mattie had become interested in Irish heritage, so on what would have been Mattie’s 21^st birthday, Dayna did what she thought her son would have done… she got a tattoo. She had a Celtic cross tattooed over her heart.

Since Mattie's departure from this earth, Dayna has become an advocate for the families that have lost someone to the Golden Gate Bridge, sits on the board of the Bridge Rail Foundation, worked with John Bateson, author of “The Final Leap” in compiling the list of those lost to the bridge.  She’s also created a website Golden Gate Bridge Suicides  that offers practical resources for families who are coping with this unique tragedy.

In May of this year, on what would have been Mattie's 25^th birthday, family and friends gathered to celebrate his life. Mattie’s mom put together a Life Celebration video, which included photos that he had taken when he was 16 during his People to People tour, which included Ireland. He loved it there and had wanted to go back. Mattie's mom shared a portion of the video with me. When I saw that Mattie's memory (angel) bracelet  was in the intro, then followed by the beauty that Mattie saw through his eyes (camera lens) and seeing his cute young face and long locks of hair I was brought to tears. 

There is no doubt in my mind and in my heart that the depth of the love that those who knew Mattie runs deep, especially that of his mom.  "Mothers hold their children's hands for just a little while... and their hearts forever."

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sunshine warm upon your face.
May the rains fall upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

My "Overnight Journey'" experience conclusion postponed

It’s been over a week since completing the Overnight Walk and I plan to wrap up my “Overnight Journey” but realized that it is only fitting that I write individual posts for Kathy Hull and Mattie Whitmer. Their memory (angel) bracelets were made when I first began this journey and I wasn’t sure how writing my first blog would play out. As it were, I ended up creating a separate post for each angel and their bracelet made. Kathy and Mattie were both mentioned within my post "Memory Bracelets" but not in their own post.

These two angels and their parents are very special to me and deserve their own posts. So for now, until I write my "In Memory" posts for them both, my conclusion post for my "Overnight Journey" will be postponed for a few more days.

In Memory of Frank Janes

Frank Thomas Janes
1959 - 2010

Frank Thomas Janes was born on May 16, 1959 in San Francisco and departed this world on November 7, 2010.  His mother Sybilla told me that he was the only one of her six children that had her blue eyes.  As a child he loved dinosaurs so much that he knew them all by name.  He was a typical little boy… full of mischief and very quick on his feet. 

As Frank grew a little older he enjoyed watching old classic movies and scary movies… like Frankenstein and Dracula.   He also was a clever artist at a young age.  His mother described his drawings as having “movement” to them.  It was not surprising to learn that Frank was sensitive to and moved by music.  I would imagine that his drawings had movement in them because of his connection to music.  After all, music in one’s soul provides the movement in your feet for dancing and in your hands for creating!  Frank’s mother said that he would often ask her what instrument was playing when listening to music he liked on the radio  and that he always took an interest in a classical piece by Debussy that she would play on the piano. Frank was a true San Francisco 49er and San Francisco Giants fan throughout his entire life.  He was able to see the Giant’s win the World Series in 2010 with his sister Suzy, which made him very happy!

From what Frank’s mother has shared with me, he was a kind, caring and sensitive soul, loved by many.  He had a cat as a teenager named "fricken" that he loved so much, that his heart was broken and was unconsolable after losing his beloved cat. He took care of an old girlfriend who had been diagnosed with brain cancer -- spending all of his weekends with her… keeping her company. It sounds like Frank was an angel here on earth before becoming one of heaven's angels.
  

When making Frank’s angel bracelet, I chose the black beads against the white letter beads to represent the piano keys for the classical pieces that he listed to his mother play and the translucent blue beads for his eyes and a charm with music notes for the music that seemed to touch his soul.

There’s music in a well-lived life, and melodies remain each

time a loving memory repeats the sweet refrain.

The song that lingers in our hearts

becomes our legacy ~ its beauty gently echoing

through all eternity.

- Unknown

In Memory of Adam P. Kaplan

Adam Paul Kaplan
1983 - 2007

Adam Kaplan was born June 20, 1983 and left his large and loving family to be with the angels on December 28, 2007.  Adam is remembered fondly by his family and friends for his good heart, intelligence and sensitivity, his sense of humor and the twinkle in his Irish eyes.

I met Adam’s mother Christine and Aunt Joanie at my first meeting with the Bridge Rail Foundation in San Francisco. We were gathering to discuss the possibility of launching what is now known as the BRF’s “Whose Shoes?” exhibit. I immediately felt a kinship and connection to Adam’s aunt Joanie and mother Christine. Adam’s aunt Joanie was full of energy like my sister and his mother Christine a bit more reserved like me.  I could see in the two sisters, me and my sister and the love and support that they have for each other in such emotional and difficult times. I could only imagine what a wonderful person Adam was, having gotten to know his mother and aunt.

I knew that Adam was one of the angels that I wanted to make a memory bracelet for and carry him with me on my Overnight Journey.  Several weeks ago, I had the opportunity to ask Adam’s mother if I could make a bracelet with his name and walk in his memory.  I asked her for a little information about Adam so that I could put that into the making of the bracelet. Adam’s mom said that he liked the outdoors and loved his dog.

Adam's Memory (Angel) Bracelet

When I was making the bracelet I tried to incorporate the outdoors in it by using the blue and clear beads to represent water; the green beads for the leaves on the trees and grass, the tiny wooden heart beads the bark on the trees;  the light blue cloudy beads for the sky and the clouds; a few golden beads for the sunlight; a little dog charm for his beloved dog and the center bead a shell for the beach and sand that I pictured Adam running and playing with his dog on.

When I saw both Adam’s mother and aunt at the “Whose Shoes?” exhibit and showed them Adam’s memory bracelet, they both thought it was perfect. When I explained to Adam’s aunt Joanie my representation of the beads from the two things that his mother had told me weeks before “he liked the outdoors… and loved his dog”, she asked me if I were physic.  Joanie told me that Adam took his dog Jenny to Fort Funston and the beach all of the time.  She said that Adam, along with the other angels that I’ve been making what she has renamed  my Angel bracelets, must be speaking to me while I was making them. As unusual as that sounds to some (me included), I have to believe that Joanie was right. With every bracelet I’ve made I have felt emotions that I’m not familiar with and I thought that the last five years I had touched on every emotion imaginable.

Thank you Adam for sharing yourself with me while making your “Angel Bracelet”. I can feel the love and devotion that your family will always have for you whenever I'm in their presence.  Say hello to my personal angel “Larry” when you see him!

"The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard,
but must be felt with the heart."
-Helen Keller

In Memory of Matthew "Matty" Cevallos

Matthew "Matty" Cevallos
1970 - 2006

Matthew "Matty" Cevallos was born on April 27, 1970 and departed this world suddenly on at the age of 36.  I didn't know Matty, but wish that I had.  In my effort to get to know a little more about him, I found myself returning several times to the online guest book that his parent's have kept online because I wanted to know who this  beautiful soul was. I have to admit I have cried a thousand tears getting to know Matty through the eyes and words of those whose lives he graced and touched so deeply. We all should be so lucky in life to have had a "Matty C" in our lives.

He was honest and caring with so much love for his family and friends.  Matty possessed extraordinary confidence, intellect and had an infectious smile that lit up the room.  As a boy he excelled in soccer, baseball, skiing and as a man became a formidable tri-athlete. He finished the Ironman Triathlon in Hawaii at age 23. and soon after on the Escape from Alcatraz Biathlon.

From everything that I've learned about Matty from his mother Gloria, along with the words of the many friends and family written in his online guest book, it crystal clear to me that he was a man whose presence in the lives he touched was truly a present! I would not be able to even begin to put into words what so many that knew and loved Matty have alread done, so this post is excepts from the eulogy given by one of his many friends.

"... I have many incredible stories I would love to share with all of you that represent the purity of Matt’s soul, his unconditional devotion to those he loved and cared for, the sacrifices he made, the tears he shed for people he knew and didn’t know, the way in which he always lit up a room and if we all look deep enough, left an imprint on our hearts”…

…“To sum it up and not justly… Matt had a way of making people feel alive like no other just by being present and almost lifeless when he left.” …

…“Matthew Cevallos was 36 years old when he made his departure from this life but as I look around this room, I am convinced more than ever that age is irrelevant because look what he accomplished... He may not have lived the way we think everyone should but again, that’s irrelevant. Imagine the world had we not been blessed with knowing him… It’s almost as though he had a mission from the beginning and it was fulfilled, not for him but for us and then his work was done… Look at the person next to you…. how many of us were connected through Matt, how many of us lived and still live with more passion now after knowing him…

…This world was too small for your enormous spirit Matt… Rest in peace your work here is done.”  - Tami





"... His life may have been short, way too short, but he certainly lived it. Far too many people
“endure” life, but Matt Cevallos “lived” life!
What an awesome legacy."
(excerpt from guest book - Frank)

"It is not length of life, but depth of life."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

In Memory of Michael K.Torres

Michael Kelly Torres
"He has been with me every second of
every day since August 9, 1984"  JT  

I never knew Michael Torres, but have been most fortunate to know his mother Kay and father Paul through the union I work for and its retiree club, as well as his brother John who is an Alameda County Fire Department Captain.  If Michael’s spirit was anything like his mother, father and brothers’, he was no doubt an extraordinary man.

Michael’s brother John has supported my participation in the AFSP Community Walks for the past several years and so generously has supported me in the Overnight Walk.  When the memory bracelet idea came to mind, John was one of my first supporters that I approached.  I told him what I was doing and that I would be honored to make a memory bracelet for his brother Michael and wear it and walk in his memory, along with all of the other angels that other families’ are allowing me the honor to do.   John was very appreciative of my offer and told me that his brother was very proud of his Irish/Mexican heritage and loved the San Francisco Giants. Hence the giants colors and the baseball glove and ball for Michael' memory bracelet.

A few weeks ago I saw Michael’s mother and father at their monthly retirees’ luncheon and showed them the memory bracelet and told them about John’s support.  They both were so gracious and touched by the memory bracelet, that they too, offered their support of me in the OvernightWalk. 

I can only imagine the heartache and frustration that John must have felt… he chose a career in life rescuing people, but was not given that chance to rescue his brother from himself.  I can only hope that it provides John and his family comfort in knowing their continued support of the AFSP is helping to save the lives of countless others.

Valor, Strength, Bravery